Thursday, July 5, 2012

the first thing she saw

i want to begin by asking you not to be offended if you are finding out about this by blog, and not from us personally. please, don't take it personally. it all happened in such a way that only few people knew the good news...which helped us when dealing with the bad.

it has taken me a very long time to write about this. and to be honest, i never thought i would. period. but for the last few weeks, i've wanted to have it in writing so that tj could look back and read about it. and so that his little sister's life would be more real. and not lost in whispers...because it does still seem like a bad dream.

we weren't very vocal about telling people when we started trying for baby #2 a few years ago. but when i didn't get pregnant within the first 8 or 9 months, i went to see my dr. a few months later, we started fertility treatments. that was a lot more complicated and trying than i could have ever imagined, but i never thought that it wouldn't work. over a year of that went by, and none of it worked.

we decided to take a break from the clomid last november and a month later, just before christmas, i quit my job. two weeks later, in the first days of january, i was pregnant. i can't even describe how insanely elated i felt when i saw that plus sign on the test. i couldn't contain myself! and can hardly describe the way i laughed out loud and jumped around for awhile. i shook like crazy before calling my doc for bloodwork to confirm. the next day, the nurse called with my results and seconds later, i called tim who was on a business trip. i sent him on another trip with my news. he was ecstatic and in disbelief. over the next several minutes, we had planned that baby's entire future. and the way tj would kiss that baby and love that baby with us. and the way i would get to walk tj to kindergarten with a newborn in the stroller. and who that baby would look like. and would she have red hair? and what tj would say when we told him. i floated through my days and weeks after that news. praising God with my feet barely touching the ground.

that was 6 months ago. and i don't have a belly.

i remember every single detail about what happened in late february. every single detail. i remember being crazy excited for the next ob appointment. and i remember him looking at my bloodwork results and saying ' you are definitely pregnant'. and the relief i felt. i remember him pointing to the screen on the ultrasound saying, 'there's your baby'. and i remember the way his eyebrows furrowed when he measured some things on the screen. and looked back at some of the numbers. and i remember going back for more bloodwork. and i remember when i called for my updated results. and i remember when the nurse told me to hold for the doctor. and i knew when she didn't tell me the results, that it was bad. his voice came on the line and i just knew. gently, he told me that i needed to prepare for a miscarriage. and that he was so sorry. i remember choking out a question or two, and a response to his question. and then i remember my anger, and my windpipe closing. and i remember hanging up and trying to breathe through my panic. and sobbing out loud telling that tiny baby that i was not giving up on her. that i would not let anything happen to her. that that doctor didn't know my God. and what my God could do. that she was safe. and everything around me turned white and i could not catch my breath.

i walked through fear for the next week. staying as positive as i could. begging God to give me peace because i knew what he could do. why would he allow me to be pregnant with this baby after waiting all this time, and then take her away? he wouldn't do that. i had convinced myself he wouldn't allow that.

and then we lost our little person. i never knew that kind of pain existed. this is the part i have to skip.

if i hadn't been on my knees already, i would have been knocked to the ground. i don't think i got up off the floor for a week. like water colors, my sadness and despair melted into pure anger and hatred of nothing. of everything.

we hid as much as we could from tj. we told him i didn't feel good and couldn't play as well or as much for a little while. somehow, he sensed the depth of all of this and sat on my lap. literally sat on my lap for days. that boy doesn't sit still, but he did then. and somehow, i was able to wait until he was asleep each night to absolutely lose my mind. having him need me really got me through the hours each day. before then, i didn't think i could possibly love my husband more than i already did. but there is a new level of that now. i had no idea there was more!

for a week, i did not speak to a soul other than tim or t. and couldn't get near a phone. or even read a text. the thought of communicating sent chills up my spine. made me want to jump out of my skin. i did not want anyone else near me. and now, months later, i find that very interesting. i'd like to learn more about that reaction and what it means.

somehow, we still made it to church. to the building at least. we didn't want tj to miss out on church, but i couldn't make it through a service without silent tears streaming down my face in defeat. or without running out after 10 minutes in. i couldn't sing. i couldn't stand up there. and there were a few weeks when tim was traveling and i took tj to his sunday school class, then sat in an empty classroom so i could hide.

i battled with myself for so long. i argued back and forth within myself. i knew i had every right to be so angry. but i also felt like i couldn't be angry because i already have the best son on earth in tj. and that others are so struggling in more ways. in different and in worse ways. and how could i be so selfish to be angry when i literally had everything i ever wanted. and i went back and forth. back. and. forth.

my husband let me feel everything i needed to feel. supporting me and carrying me, but not smothering me. and my parents let me hide away for awhile. and whenever i needed to after that. and my mom let me be angry...until one day. she wanted to come over to talk and i cringed knowing that she wanted to address my feelings. ew, that word made me shutter but i welcomed it. sort of. she brought me the lyrics of a song i'd loved since i was a little kid. she talked a bit and gave me the lyrics. and then gave them to me printed off in slovak and another language too. and i cracked up. i couldn't stop laughing and that was the start of my healing. she also gave me a cd of this woman she'd heard at the cleveland pregnancy center banquet. she said i was a fighter and, in the most loving way possible, that i was letting satan win. i didn't think i was a fighter anymore but over the next few days, i felt like i taped up my knuckles and got in a fist fight with the devil himself.

for 4 days, i fought my way out and was afraid at every moment that the springing up of strength i felt was going to go away. but it just grew from a tiny seed until it blasted out of my heart. and i felt like me again. just like that.

i really do feel like it was a dream. and i only remember bits of the two months of thrilling excitement ... but i can't get tim's words out of my head even still. one night in the midst of our loss, he said he knew we'd see her in heaven one day. and my response was that i was afraid i wouldn't know who she was. he said, 'han - she'll recognize us.' and you know what else? the first thing our little girl ever saw was jesus' face. she will never be sad, or be hurt. i will never let her down. she knows only perfectness. and i had a dream that night and saw her face. she had dark hair, little curls and i can still see her little face. as clear as i did that night. and she is beautiful and safe.

i've never been through anything like this before and i'm so glad i wasn't alone. while it didn't rock the depth of my faith, it sure shook it like crazy. and tested me. i knew God was there the whole time and i hated it on a certain level. i hated hearing that prayers were being said for us. i hated that. o how i hated that. but the tiny part of me that stayed me, was glad but didn't want anyone to know. especially the angry part of me.

i am so thankful for my family. my whole family and my friends too. they have been so helpful as i have shared with just a few. but i thank God a million times a day for my sweet son and my strong husband. i am so lucky and so honored to be a part of them. since the day tj was born, i have adored him more and more each day and every morning. with the beginning of each day, i wake up with a little tickle in my heart just waiting to hear tj call to me or run into our room and grab my face with excitement to get up for the new day. i am in heaven here on earth. but i am in more light now than ever before. and i can honestly thank God for that.

thank you for letting me share. my cup overflows.


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